at the fabulous Sportsmen’s Camp General Store (“often imitated, seldom open”).

It has been brought to my attention by Bob and Harvey that the Ministry of Natural Resources will require all non-residents to possess an Outdoors Card to purchase a fishing and/or hunting license.  (BTW, Harvey is a better source of information on anything related to the MNR than the MNR itself.) For more information call Harvey or go to the MNR website that is linked in the blogroll to the right.

I spoke to the MNR information office and they told me that I will have temporary outdoor cards to sell to non-residents.  They will cost $9.00 in addition to the fee for the fishing or hunting license.  You will receive your permanent outdoors card in the mail.  This card will be good for 3 years.  It is a plastic card that looks like a credit card only with cool pictures of fish or animals.

Starting in 2010 you will be able to purchase your licenses on the internet.  And that, of course, means that the fabulous Sportsmen’s Camp general store will be open less!  Ahhh, progress.

Every day has been like xmas after the inauguration! As Constance Trentham (Maggie Smith) said about Gosford Park breakfasts - “Yummy yummy yummy!”

Rush Limbimbo-augh is being abosolutely unAmerican unpatriotic and treasonous (Bimbo’s own words concerning people during “W’s” tenure) by not supporting and actually hoping for The President’s (and Country’s) FAILURE! (the entire speech was played on CNN after I heard it earlier on the radio) It can be quite dangerous when something this big MELTSDOWN! So stand back kids, duck and cover! In addition to the antics of bozo-Bimbaugh the constant litany of Bush Policy reversals is euphoric stuff!

The rule of Law  is being re-instituted! (take that pseudo-constitutionalist fascisti republicans!) Due process will mean something no matter whether we like you or not (or at least better hidden), rampant illegal eavesdropping and wiretaps will be ended (or at least better hidden). Signed anti-torture accords will be followed (or at least the torture better hidden). The ACLU (the greatest constitutional watchdog on earth) will actually agree with the administration. If you vilify the ACLU – you are an un-American fascist who would wipe your ass with the constitution whenever it gets in the way of your goals – I should have just said republicans. Its quicker.

Guantanamo is being closed.

Environmental regulations will be enforced and states will be allowed to actually promulgate more stringent standards!

It looks like an actual push will occur to actually move the country to renewable forms of energy!

Abortion can once again be funded by federal money.

Stem cell research is once again allowed to be conducted on embryonic cells slated for disposal. I can’t wait to heard about grants to accelerate the advances in research and see the first spinal cord injury recovery walk into the White House and thank the President.

Higher Corporate Average Fuel Economy standards are mandated.

Repudiation and vilification of “trickle down” supply-side economics.

The international community (M. Nowack UN) is calling for prosecution of “W”, Cheney, and Rumsfeld for WAR CRIMES under the Ronald Reagan (yes the famous conservative idiot savant/saint) signed International Treaty on Torture! I can’t wait to hear Cheney reply under cross examination to pointed questions with - ”So what.”

I listened to a conservative radio guy filling in for Michael SaBitch last night repudiate the rampant borrowing and spending (and by far unprecedented in magnitude and scope) of The “W” administration for 20 minutes before he got around to railing about proposed stimulus package! He even did it with a straight face! At least I couldn’t detect any smirks!!!!

I know that the old Chinese curse is – May you live in interesting times! – and I believe we have been so cursed, but hey it ain’t all bad!

I will be buying a Westsail Schooner and cruising the southern oceans for the remains of the winter!

I may come back to Sportsmen’s Camp in the summer but I’m not really sure yet. I also changed my party affiliation to Republican because I am now filthy fucking RICH. Hey I have over 2 million dollars so I have to look after my greedy self interest and fuck everyone else!

I have just completed 12 financial transactions that will net me a grand total of 66,502,900$ American! Sweeeeet! And its all been done from right here at my desk on my computer!

1st – Mr. Shu F. Yang, Bank SinoPac in Taiwan is going to give me 60% of $83.5 million for serving as his off shore agent to get the money into the USA.

2nd – Prince Jonathan Kamoka of Sierra Leone (a refugee in Ghana) will be giving me 25% of $12 million to serve as his offshore agent in order to remove these family funds from Sierra Leone.

3rd – Mr. Paul Henry of France needs some offshore help securing his inheritance of $4.2 million  and will give me 2o% for my efforts. He wrote me a nice long note in french with the details and it took only 3 hours to figure out the details with my french/english dictionary! Thats $280,000 an hour, close to what the Bin Ladens will be paying W Bush as a consultant!!! Yippeeeee!

4th – I’ve won the Xmas Ember Special Lottery (XESL!!!) and Bill Edwards (at a hotmail email acct) is going to wire me winnings of 900,000 pounds sterling! Yeegads what an amazing run of LUCK!!!!

5th – I got a FedEx delivery notification (another hotmail acct.) from Mr. Ronald Rogers of Nigeria from an online lottery for 750,000 pounds sterling!!! My amazing LUCK continues!!!!

6th – I got contacted by Western Unoin (sic) to collect my winnings of $850,000 by Jerry Cole (from a Ymail acct)!!!! With this luck who the fuck needs VEGAS baby?

7th -I was contacted by Stella Falade of Webex-Cisco Compesation (sic) International Prize Committee via her Hotmail acct. to collect my $2.5 million from the Intercontinental Trust Bank! I am not sure why I am being “compesated” it wasn’t all that clear from the letter but you know how these eurotypes are when they shuffle between languages.

8th – Mr. Robert Parker of Ikobo Inc. has notified me that my grant application for $2.8 million definitely will be successful! That seems really odd that I didn’t file a grant application and what the grant was for wasn’t mentioned. But Hell don’t look a gift horse in the mouth baby!

9th – Mr. Mitchell of La Premiere Banque Du Benin needs an offshore acct to transfer $5.32 million and will throw 35% of the funds my way. Jeesh I had no idea that so many people needed my help moving funds around world! I think I’ll do an infomercial outlining how other people can get into this lucrative business – but wait I’m a republican now so – FUCK’EM!

10th – I was contacted by the attorney of the late Leona Helmsley via Gmail!!!! He informed me of needed offshore help to move $2.7 million out of France and he would throw 25% of the total my way to facilitate the transaction! Wow the money just keeps rolling in!

11th – I just got notified that I have been awarded 1,116,570 pounds sterling from FWD International by John Edwards (homail acct.)! I am not sure why I have got the award but what the hell who am I to turn it down. I wonder why former presidential candidate John Edwards is working for FWD International? Hmmmm how the mighty have fallen!

12th – This one is my favorite! Believe me by this week I have been deleting offers of any money under a million but this one really got to me and I just had to help this poor soul out! Mrs. Felicia Morgan is dying of ovarian cancer and wants to donate 60,000 pounds sterling to me and my church citing my many “good and charitable works for the glory of God almighty”!!!!! Holy holy holy holy……..

 Ok here is the grand total – I estimate that the take will be $66,502,900! SWEEEEET! But wait - Aw shit! There’s a Democratic President and Congress I’ll be taxed $70million to give to rummies, indigents, terrorists, and illegal immigrants and I’ll be in the hole ~ $500,000! DAMMIT! If I had just acted on these opportunities before Bush left I would have gotten an additional $10 million in tax cuts and bailout stimulus money.  Dammit Once again I am a victim of circumstance! 

With 100% GUARANTEED ACCURACY! Here at the Sportsmen’s Camp Blog we strive for to achieve the impossible by predicting the future without help from any imaginary friend, ESP, clairvoyance, prescience or even intelligence, political savvy, insight or acumen!

Yes, yes you read it correctly 100% accuracy! OK here we go.

 - A democratic socialist state will not be put into place. (dammit)

 - Your hunting rifles and ammunition will not be banned and/or taken from you.

 - The military will not be dismantled.

 - The President will not make stupid verbal gaffs daily.

 - The Vice-president will not be running the country from an undisclosed location, shooting people, or responding “So what” to questions.

 - The President will not say “newkyooler” once. 

 - The earth will not crack open and swallow up the USA.

 - If nationalized health-care is instituted it will not bankrupt the nation or even cost more than federal military budget.

 - The President will actually consider the welfare of the ENTIRE country when making plans and decisions.

 - I will still occasionally rant about non-responsive government.

 - Rush Bimbo-augh, Ann Colder, Micheal Sabitch, Bill O’Rightly, Fux network (unfair and biased) and the legion of other conservative fascist media types will  lie about and vilify the administration attempting to please their moneyed class owners by keeping the ”great unwashed” in thrall.

Ok there you have it in black and white on your computer screen. Bookmark this Blog and you will see that every one of these predictions will indeed come to pass.

I also invite you dear reader to add your predictions by way of comments. (I can’t wait for this shit!)

But it was warm and toasty in Kirks Man Cave!

We made our annual trek to Randolph to get caught up with Tom Pitts and Family and visit with the not hibernating bear hunters. It was nasty cold and only the craziest of bear hunters were not hibernating - we have a report of an early morning reading of -15F! Bart and Baxter still loved running around in the snow and being the object of Cooper The Wonder Pinscer’s derisive barking. There was/is about 12″ to 18″ of snow on the ground and was even adhering to vertical tree-trunks. Janet wanted to try driving a snowmobile but Tom was very smart in putting the brakes on that notion. All I could see was Janet missing a turn on a groomed trail and going into a fluffy 5′ deep drift and being pulled out later like a “cartoon Popsicle person”. Having been excluded from one risky behavior - Janet and Karen concentrated on seeing how many sickeningly sweet caramel based Kahlua and Baileys martinis it would take to make a person toss cookies, Ralph, retch, liquid yawn, blow chunks, ride the bus, pray to the porcelain god - choose suitable euphemism here. It took many martini trials but Janet and Karen are intrepid and persistent researchers/investigators and would not be deterred till they solved this pressing scientific question! So much for Friday evening!

Bob Z, Harvey and Jan came over and had a few drinks with us at the crack of noon on Saturday and Janet and Karen were still alive! And they had the stamina to get back on the horse so to speak. I had a few vodker and orange juices and then we trekked to one of the coolest venues on earth – Kirk P’s Man-cave! Talk about a great place – the chili was hot, the beer and liquor were above freezing and the company was warm and lively! It was delightful to hangout with Kirk and family and Bart and Baxter had a great time too. Kirk ever the perfect host made sure that we were all welcome to stick around and taken care before he passed out. I never realized what an avid Steelers fan he was? After we had cleaned out Kirks like a ravening hoard of locusts we travelled back to Tom’s (I bet he’s somebody’s uncle) cabin and had late night eggs Benedict.

Sunday was mostly a day of picking up the pieces and packing for home – Janet wanted to see the Steelers beat the Ravens at home. I am sure Kirk didn’t miss watching his beloved Steelers kick some Raven butt! The 20F something temperatures were positively balmy and I put my speedo and crocks on to load the car. Sorry girls there aren’t any pictures. We then travelled to The Tabernacle of the Palatable Porcine (the Pig Co-op) for morning services – Right Reverend Lauritson presided. After receiving communion we made our way home. The drive back was uneventful for me driving but the clatter of Janet snoring did disturb Baxter and Bart several times! It was a fantastic weekend and I heartily recommend Tom Pitt’s week-end Randolph tours and incursions to everyone. It will only take me 2 days to recuperate!

Most who have spent any time with me know I pontificate on various subjects and topics. I voice rules to live by, not recommendations or guidelines as some would have it, (Dad, Janet and Sled) but rules. I view these rules as my legacy of wisdom transmitted to an unwary new generation. I will often frame these rules in a vulgar or off-color way (like I don’t talk that way all the time) so that they will be easily remembered (and ignored). This way I generally don’t have to tell people that ignored these life lessons – “I told you so!” They usually bring it up to save me the trouble. I can’t claim sovereignty to all my rules but I have originated a good many.  I have been extremely lucky to have had the privilege of knowing and learning from a lot of eccentrics and have been able to confer converse and otherwise hobnob with my fellow wizards and thus incorporate their wisdom with my own. A lot of the rules apply to such favorite topics as fishing, fish keeping, bonsai, food, wine, beer, work, money, trebuchets, women, republicans, politics, socialism, imaginary friends, superstition, littering etc. I will attribute most of the ones I voice to their originator whenever possible too.

- As Dad said, “If you can’t drive it, live in it, eat it or fuck it – it ain’t worth having.”

- As Dave Henderson said, “A farting horse never tires.”

- As Ernest Lesher says, “You put two animals or people (or different species for that matter) in a room alone for a length of time and sooner or later they’re gonna fuck!”

Ones I have originated include:

- “Never get two puppies to raise at the same time cause they’ll collude against you and make training very difficult.

- Fishermen fish for fun, hunters hunt to keep their dick hard.

- Republican’s with more than 2 million dollars are merely acting in their greedy self interest, all others are just misguided and misinformed dupes.

- A mans penis is inversely proportional to the size and ferocity of his dog.

- Never, never, never own a dog that shits bigger than you do.

- I am against all organized sports and religions.

- Sports are the new opiate of the masses.

- Its not how many things you have when you die that matters its how much fun you’ve had while you lived.”

I could go on for hours and generally do, according to Janet, and lately its not often that I get a new one. But I had yet another epiphany yesterday morning as I was clearing the 8.5″ of snow from my driveway. The previous night Baxter and Bart conspired to recalibrate the vaunted Antisnow Generator shifting the effective antisnow interdiction field ~25 miles south thus allowing a monstrous snowfall to occur here at Starbase Bryson! Needless to say the little buggers have been suitably chastised and have been cavorting in the wonderful snow constantly. But I digress – after clearing the  snow for about 45 min.s and nearing the end of my task it occurred to me that, “No man over 50 should live in a place where snow accumulates to a depth longer than his penis!” So I say its a good thing we didn’t get 9″ or I’d have to start packing!