The Combatants are on the Ropes…

It is 1:34 AM and the entrants to this year’s Budweiser Drinking Contest are here preparing to get a good night’s rest to begin the drinkfest that will crown the Ultimate Drinking Champion of the North. After many hours on Cripple Lake and Cond Lake, followed by a spirited cornhole tournament (the S.S. Ineptitude faired poorly) and campfire warm-up, the two combatants were the only ones left standing for the evening during the warm-up trials. The Love Master coerced a back rub from Bethany and The Queen of the North insisted she get the same treatment otherwise the contest would be rigged. The playing field is now even. Let the games begin.

The rules: Each contestant must consume a Budweiser every 20 minutes. The first contestant that fails to meet these strigent requirements will be deemed LE LOSER. The bragging rights will be cast upon the winner in all of their glory for eternity.

Place your bets now. All tickets have been sold. From what we have heard there are people coming from hundreds of miles away to watch the spectacle of extraordinary idiocy. Seriously, there are people in camp planning on cutting their fishing time short tomorrow to come back to watch.

Tune in for updates. Unfortunately, neither myself or the Love Master will be able to type,so you will have to depend on Jack to give you a regular progress report.

Goodnight and Good Luck.

No Just Budweiser drinking Philistines!

The Love Master (AKA Pussyboy) and Dave (Janet’s best friend) are in residence and prevailed upon me to take them fishing to Spyder Lake for the massive pike. So it was a day of philistine mayhem. Dave and Pussyboy were in the S.S. Ineptitude and we (Janet, Baxter TWD and Me) were too busy catching fish to name our boat. We got up at the crack of 11AM and were on our way by 1:00 pm I think. The portages were handled with speed and precision (at least there were no broken ankles) and we arrived at Spyder in plenty of time to catch a lot of fish. We saw the eagle several times and watched him fly to the nest once. Spyder is about a foot higher than normal so one of my favorite weed beds wasn’t producing, but the big one in the lower lake was just chocked full of pike! Some pictures of the day are presented below. The high water did make access to Herron much easier with no pushing through mud. We caught several pike there too but time was growing short so we couldn’t devote much time to it. Just as we were traversing Mullen Lake the moon rose – it was a beautiful site and allowed us to tie the boats on the trailer without flashlights! What a great day.

This has been a year of many firsts here at the Camp. This is the first year to my knowledge that we are about halfway through the bear hunt and we still have a 100% kill! Imagine that, every bear hunter has gotten a bear – some really nice ones too. But there is one proviso – due to the failure of the berry crops in this area the bears are all what I would say underweight for this time of year. So any bear shot this year probably should not be compared by weight to one shot in a bumper crop berry year. I theorize that this year’s bears would be carrying about 15 to 20% more weight in a normal year. Especially when you look at the size of their heads and the “lankiness” of their build. So a 260 lb bear would normally be pushing 300 lbs and so on. So when a bear comes in at 130 – 140 lbs we have been considering it a reasonable sized bear. The bears are certainly hungry and the population will be thinned this year hopefully it will prevent a lot of nuisance bear problems next year and make for a fat and healthy population. It will certainly be interesting to see what the bear kill will be next year.

Another big first is the first bass caught in firth over 22”. This bass wasn’t just over 22″ either this beastie was 24 ¼ inches! That is a beast of a bass! And the cool thing about it is that Barb Waskowiak put him back in the lake to fight again! So as long as some pig ignorant meat fisherman doesn’t catch him we can all hope to equal or better this feat next year. Kudos to Barb – nice bass!

Another big first is the way Phil Poczik cruelly and ruthlessly secured a yes answer to his marriage proposal here at Firth Lake! He brings, Brandi, this gorgeous suburbanite ingénue here to the rugged isolated north then subjects her to endless harangues from his uncle Jim, to thousands of biting insects, to overheating in the sauna and subsequent heat shock by throwing her limp form into the lake, to the most primitive and mean living conditions she has ever experienced – thus breaking her nearly indomitable spirit then he subjects her to the most heart wrenching decision of her entire young life! “Marry me or I will leave you in this savage bush where bears will pick your (absolutely yummy – I added this part) carcass clean.” – were his exact words of proposal!!!! Well what could the poor girl do? Brandi grudgingly acceded to his brazen advances and accepted his engagement ring. So as far as I know this is the first proposal to be coerced at Sportsmen’s Camp! So romantic! * sigh * Its soo cool when a well thought out plan comes together!

Does the Pope shit in the woods?

I can tell you the answer is NO. Because the Pope visited Sportsmen’s Camp the other night and He didn’t drop it in the woods! The remnants of some of the bear bait boxes and a little debris were no more than 25 feet from the evidence of the Pope’s visit (pictured below) and the bear didn’t touch a thing! Judging from the size of said Pope droppings (scat, poop, turds, do-do, no.2, ca-ca, protocoprolithes, etc.) it was a large bear in the 250 to 300 lb range too. That’s one ballsy bear – coming into a camp full of bear hunters and leaving “the Popes calling card”! Harvey says that if he does it again he’ll put up a tree stand in the front yard! I think we won’t even have to put out any bait – just a forked stick with a roll of toilette tissue on it.

But seriously though the bear hunters have killed (harvested for the terminally political correct crowd. I always picture a farmer/bear hunter going out with a scythe and cutting down bears!) 6 bears in four (4) nights of hunting. The bears are taking numbers to see who will be next to hit the baits!

The MNR has been advertising on the radio asking any bear hunters to take two bears this year. The failed berry crop has really produced a lot of nuisance bear calls. The large bear that was coming into camp a few weeks back, and subsequently died of high velocity lead poisoning, was theorized by many to be a trapped “nuisance bear” relocated to this area. Evidence has come to light that a “full” bear trap went through Gowganda to the west and came back empty a short period of time later just before the trouble occurred. So it would seem that the MNR thought that a nuisance bear wouldn’t bother us or that he would be summarily plugged. It also explains why Janet got the “run around” and was unable to get the bear control guy to come and trap the (already relocated) bear. The bear would be difficult to trap since he was “trap shy” and besides where would they take him? How about the Muskokas?

On a separate note Baxter TWD is not at all happy with bears of any sort (dead or alive) in camp! His morning ritual – instead of proceeding to proper alimentary business – is to run to the point of any last observed dead bears and to bark ferociously in that general direction! After he is coaxed away and settled down he may then take care of said morning business – then he returns to harrass any imaginary dead bears. It is irritating in the morning to have to herd him away but I still think it’s a good thing that he has a healthy fear/respect for bears and feels free to sound the alarm. So yes Baxter is still TWD!

The weather is clearing and the temperatures will be climbing throughout the week. I am looking forward to another delightful week in paradise!

Mojito Monday!

Going over the blue berry/red raspberry wine recipe with Rev B. reminded me that I should post an excellent Mojito concoction that Mary Colombi was making this past few weeks. Anyone who was lucky enough to partake knows it is very tasty and would be “killer” on a hot afternoon. One of the key ingredients is the wild mint (Mentha arvensis) that grows along Firth at the beach with the wild iris. It has just the right mintyness with overtones of spearmint that really work well in the drink.

Wild Mint Mojito
Muddle 6 – 7 campfire wild mint leaves with
3 rounded teaspoons of sugar and
The juice of ½ lime.
Add ¼ cup (or more) white rum and
½ cup (or more) seltzer water.
Fill glass with crushed Firth Lake water ice
Stir
Toast to Sportsmen’s Camp.

It started as a drizzly rainy day here and is clearing and warming into the mid 60’s F. It’s a little breezy too but not enough to deter the fishermen. Another beaut of a day here at camp!

But Baxter TWD goes to Shillington!

Everyone knows that “the Media is the Message” but here at Sportsmen’s Camp oft times “Getting there is the fishing trip.” I was able to talk a group of eight friends into enjoying a day of wading and dragging boats through about two miles of beautiful Northern Ontario wilderness – I’ll give you a hint they were drunk when they agreed to it! Oddly (he mused) I think they all enjoyed it! But Baxter TWD enjoyed it the most. He got to ride in the boat most of the time, wade when he liked, snack on almonds and PB&J, lick northern pike, sample freshwater mussels, smell wolves and bears on the breeze, sneer at soaring eagles and hang with the big boys all day long.

Very much like when Mr. Smith went to Washington, competing interests were in play. We had to juggle getting to Shillington, with fishing for lake trout, with fishing for the other species, with getting back in time for the camp picnic and Bob Z’s Birthday Bash, with looking for pearls and with enjoying the absolutely beautiful scenery on the way to and from. So we were unable to spend nearly as much time fishing Shillington and Eagle and Moose Heart and Birch lakes, as we would have liked. We also had a day of powerful winds with variable gusts. I think the change in the weather patterns contributed to the slow fishing for the short time we were working the water. I did get a good lake trout bite first troll over the saddle but we really didn’t have enough time to localize the devils to work them and the wind was playing havoc with the troll anyway. Its always cool to see a lake about one fifth the size of Firth with depths to about 120 feet! So back we went through babbling brook and gravel flats along granite cliffs with Baxter TWD exhorting his barge crew to keep moving and hey where are my are my almonds and Fig Newtons?

BTW this is a new RECORD on the Sportsmen’s Camp Blog! Five (5) count ‘em Five (5) pictures!

Of Dangerous Jan McGrew?

A bunch of the boys were whooping it up in the Sportsmen’s Camp Saloon, the kid that handles the iPod Box was dialing up some Nickleback tune. In the back of the bar sat that unusual gal Dangerous Jan Mcgrew.

When out of the night, which was stifling hot, and into the smoky din came a sound of uncommon ring – the beeping of a satellite phone! Jack, that bear of a man bearly able to shift due to the weight of the booze erupted post – snooze to exclaim – “Quick it’s the HOTLINE from Ottawa haste – post!” Fast as a snake on quickening ice Hogfish Baxter stepped to the door. “I answered the phone and it’s a bloke called Steve asking for the biggest and meanest WHORE!” A hush came down and all eyes turned as one to the corner and frown of Dangerous Jan Mcgrew. For we all knew she was much the shrew but on compliments didn’t dwell! “Gimme da phone ya sniveling rumpot”, she belched – ignoring the sighs of the guys relief. The chat was short and ended with barely a snort worthy of Jabba the Hut. Then turned to us she did and exclaimed through the din – “It was fucking Harper on the blower with polls so much lower asking for a lift to the nation. So tomorrow I proclaim, for each bloke a vodka ration, the holiday of National Vodka on the Beach Day EH!”

And so in the fullness of the night the cheer went up! “That makes this National Vodka on the Beach Day EH – Eve! Yipeeeeee!”

So that’s how the infamous Holiday to end all summer Holidays was hatched! The flag went up in the afternoon at the beach and the celebrants coalesced like Jell-O shots in the freezer – even Jack the geezer. Imbibage galore commenced from the massive vodka stores. What a day! It was the demise of Dangerous Jan Mcgrew!

(Deepest apologies to Robert Service)

Another gorgeous sunny day here at Sportsmen’s Camp I’ll soon be fishing and having a beer after the lunch of a BLT!

Enjoy, enjoy! The great Ontario out of doors!

The weather is holding to a gorgeous sunny warm pattern here with no rain and moderate breezes. I got 52 original daylilies planted in the morning and off to a good start. Skip and Barb breed them and brought me a shit load of the lilies that were not quite good enough to patent and register but still good looking. We will soon see if they are hardy in zone 2B! Everyone is getting settled in and the planning of events is taking place at the evening campfire. Of course the beer, vodka, Long Island Iced tea, and Moonshine do facilitate the process! The fish fry, poker tournament, beer croquet, fishing tournament, ping pong games, oh shit games, darts games, wise and other wise games, fireball island games, pike fishing trip, single boat sailing capsizing regatta and so on have all been scheduled! I just hope someone was sober enough to remember when! It also appears that the annual Yerky motor problem has been sorted out for the week. This year’s was a loose ground – killing the motor whilst going full bore! Nearly catapulting Chuck off the bow of the boat! Sorry folks, we have no pictures but I can assure you that the telling of the exploit around the fire more than made up for it! Picture an oversized billiard table being tipped at about 45 degrees and the resulting elastic collision mahem!

The water temperature is in the upper 70’s and the kids are running around camp like animated prunelings after long-term immersion even at 10 AM! I have to check the diesel, water my bonsai and day lilies and prepare to go fishing – the fish fry is scheduled for today – I think (hmmmm lets see, who was sober enough to ask…) Well I am going fishing anyway! As Uncle Herman would say in German, roughly translated – “Spit on your hands and SHIT on the work!”

We’re in for a bumpy ride!

OMG! Hurricane Janet is now in residence – my sister and Emily and the Clan Baxter are on their way. I haven’t stored nearly enough REM sleep but my liver function is good. We’re installing a circulating fan and an exhaust fan in the store for late night cards, darts, poker, pool, cigars, and beer. It should keep the store/game room a little cooler and more smoke free. Hey we’re making vast strides here at Sportsmen’s Camp! The sailboat is ready to go too. I put a new tiller extension on it so that Captain Wildass Andrew can take the Firth lady out in heavy conditions and hike up on the gunnels.

Well I have to eat lunch/breakfast and commence the fan installation – up in the hot attic – so I must be going. It’s cooler today in the 70’s F sunny and breezy. The weather is here, wish you beautiful.

What short Strange Summer it’s been!

Hurricane Janet is just now making her final approach into New Liskeard – so we are busily battening down the hatches back here at camp. “Battening down the hatches” consists of hiding all the vodka and cell phones! ATTENTION K-MART – ER (I MEAN) SPORTSMEN’S CAMP GUESTS – ATTENTION – Prepare for rough weather, all hands on deck, red alert- whoop whoop whoop! Secure and chill all Labbatt 50, prepare copious amounts of ice cubes, cut lime wedges, set up the bean bag games, cool the clamato juice, make sure your celery salt isn’t clumping, cool the blue berry port, Baxter TWD look especially cute and everybody look as though we didn’t miss her and act jaded and inattentive when she says hi! Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop!!!!

It’s supposed to get above 100F today! The lake was 81F yesterday evening at happy hours! (I am writing this in my swimming suit!) SSSSSSSSSS I wetted my thumb and applied it to my hot as hell ass! But seriously folks Sportsmen Camp Audiences are the greatest audiences on earth. Did I tell you the one about the 98 lb weakling that came up to Sportsmen’s Camp and became a husky fucker? Badumpt tump! (I know its one of Gordon’s but like me it never gets old!) Anyway the fish are still biting and the weather she is beautiful. The odd thing is. here it is, the end of July and the Goddamn mosquitoes are still bad at dusk! (No problem during the day) Sheeeit I think I’ll go for a morning swim and wonder what all the “great unwashed” that are not at Sportsmen’s Camp are doing. Off I go on another perfectly ordinary day…..