To: Jack and Janet
From: Shirley Cheetum, Esq. of Canwe, Cheetum and Howe (Attorneys At Large)
Subject: Flagrant Patent Infringement, Defamation Of Character and Libel and Slander!!!!

On a recent trip to visit my Sainted Mother who resides in the “bedrock of society and family values” town of Scranton Pennsylvania I was visiting a seeming innocuous corporate tree trimming event at Steamtown USA. While there I blundered onto a publication so heinous I am dismayed to even mention a sanitized outline of its noxious innuendo, sexual overtone, slander and not even mentioning the obvious patent infringement.

It begins by slandering a dwarf who allegedly sodomizes conifers on the cover!!!!! You can imagine the illustration! I was AGAHST! (I took the liberty of faxing a copy of this outrage to Jerry Fallwell and Carl Rove so they may pursue this as well) Then this horrendous publication goes on to incorrectly ascribe the concept and perfection of the Vaunted Antisnow Generator to none other than Gordon Marks!!! Oh the Humanity! His name appears no where on the patents! Then it proceeds to show slanderous and unflattering images of both you and Janet as greedy materialist CHRISTIAN children! I nearly fainted by these flagrant and malicious untruths. Lies and mendacity – lies and mendacity when will this persecution end? At this point I bribed the persons handing out these filthy rags and collected all the errant copies (you will find these expenses itemized on the attached billing statement).

Please be advised that our firm is vigorously pursuing the perpetrators of these outrages and will be securing VAST monetary redress for your pain and suffering caused by these outrages!

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Corporatemas!

This time of year is amazing. Its amazing how religion and the marketers have programmed the populace to consume – consume – consume. We are programmed and duty bound to buy unnecessary things for people we don’t really know and they for us. Its even worse than the social programming that Debeers has pulled off in the diamond engagement ring scam! The irony is that our politicians have moved most of our manufacturing jobs offshore (to open markets to sell the products we no longer produce) and the impoverished working middle class must go to Wal-Mart to buy merchandise made in nonchristian nations to give for xmas! Who profits from this? The Corporations, the moneyed class who own them and the mega polluting sweatshops of the third world. Its disgusting – simply disgusting. Xmas even preceded Halloween this year! Thanksgiving is just a speed bump before the orgiastic materialism of xmas.

What to do about this bullshit? I propose that you buy absolutely no xmas gifts for people other than your self. The people getting the gifts should pick them out. The gifts should be made in the US of A. If you do buy gifts for other people buy them food grown here.

End rant here.

I was watching Boston Legal on a west coast feed last night out of Vancouver and I saw a commercial for The (insert big corporate hotel chain that I don’t remember – here) Empress Hotel in Victoria! When My sister, Mum and me toured the west coast, about a thousand years ago, we stayed at the Empress Hotel! Cool, cool, cool! For some reason our reservation fell through the cracks and the desk clerk said they didn’t have our room. So the OGRE (Mum) emerged and a room was produced. The neato thing about it was that the room was in the highest tower of this gigantic castle-like structure. The room was even two flights of stairs above where the elevator stopped! There were small notices near the outlets advising electrical users that the DC current was only on between certain hours! It was a thousand years ago but when we walked up that last flight of stairs we had also walked about 80 years back in time! Another fond memory of that evening was pouring water out one of our room’s windows onto unsuspecting tourists hundreds of feet below. No one even suspected! It was the pacific northwest, it rained all the time! The small volume of water contained by a hotel room glass was sufficiently dispersed by the time it reached its intended victims to not cause suspicions of foul play either. It was too far down for them to hear the laughter too! It was nice to hear that the place still existed. If The Empress Hotel were here, it would have been torn down years ago to put in a house of worship (that is a Mall or Casino).

The Whaaht Haahs

Cheney – (on a cell phone from his hunting trip) *hissss snap pop* Chuckie! (His pet name for Carl Rove reference to the evil doll of cinema) Yur gonna hafta call The Idiot In Chief and break the news to him before he makes some really stupid *BAM BAM BAM* fuck I just shot my daughter – hmmm just grazed ‘er – note: get eyeglasses checked. (under breath) Oh yeah – Chuckie, ya gotta git at him before he goes on the air and declares Victory like he did in fucking Iraq! Geesh, put a flight suit with a codpiece on the asshole and he thinks he king of the world!

Rove – But Mister President, it’s not my turn! Don’t you remember I was the one that had to explain to him that he should be flushing after pissing and shouldn’t refer to other nations as “Pissants” in international conferences and that “cut and run” was not a reference to problems with diarrhea. Why me Sir?

Cheney – Listen to me! You sniveling turd – I don’t care if ya had to wipe his noncompismentus ass this morning – It’s your turn, and besides Hank (Kissinger) is on the Riviera with his posse of teen age girls doing a viagra commercial and I can’t raise him on the cell phone. *BAM BAM BAM – BAM* fuck ! Well that’s why they always have extra secret service guys on these hunting trips. Git yur ass over to the arts and crafts department and git one of those fucking “pop – up” memos made that the Idiot in Chief like so much. You know lots of angry voters standing up when he opens it. With some simple explanatory verbiage that the First Lady can read to him during “Story Time”.

Rove – But Mister President, he’s gonna be really confused – after we told him that the voters and votes were meaningless when we stole the two presidential elections! He’s gonna lock up and slobber on himself again. Can’t we just lie to him like we do about Iraq and show him a republican landslide? We can show him that doctored footage of jubilation in the streets of Baghdad with parades welcoming us as liberators again? We’ll just tell him its New York – he won’t know any different! He’s duuuuuumb! We’ll change his meds again. We would only have to cut the footage of the tons of weapons of mass destruction that we found – it would only take the Department of Propaganda a few minutes!

Cheney – Knock – knock – knock! McRove, McRove – is anybody home! Is this fucking phone on??? Can’t ya Fucking Hear me? Ya know there’s an opening on my next hunting trip? (Errp – hmmm sausage – hey you… fuckhead – gimme one of my nitro pills or I’ll shoot yur ass. No, I’ll wash it down with bourbon…)

Rove – But Mister President, we don’t have to do anything, the media hasn’t noticed that he’s an idiot and full of shit.

Cheney – True Dat Chuckie but the VOTERS HAVE!

Mushroom Farm tour.

We here in the service and repair department have been specially trained to Keep you in the Dark and Feed you COPIOUS amounts of warm SHIT! Your call may be recorded so we may share it with others in the company for a good laugh at the company Xmas party. Another of our trained specialties is to threaten and deny. Many of our operatives have spent years training in the offices of State and Federal government bureaucracies attaining their “special” talents. If you are calling long distance and this is a toll call please HOLD (“W” like smirk here). If you are calling from the line that you are experiencing the difficulty with please press 1 and an operator will be with you after we have determined that the line has gone dead. If you are calling from a pay phone to our troll free service line please cram the receiver up yur ass. If you are calling from a rotary phone please press #* (he he) now.

And so it went for three weeks! I would call, eventually get a “service rep” and explain that the phone is cutting out intermittently and the problem is always worse after and during a rainstorm. I would then be told that if it was determined (by the kangaroo phone court) that the problem is with your wiring – “you will be charged 1 Billion dollars and we will cut off your little toe for the first offense”. After I tell them that I have plugged two different phones into the Verison phone jack out side the house they explain. “Did you unplug the line and allow it to reset – it only takes two weeks for the line to reset sir – are you sure the phone cord you’re using to the outside jack is perfect? You should be standing outside in the rain during all phone calls to test the system! Did you have a witch doctor bless the phone you’re testing the system with? Otherwise we will have to charge you for the service call! Unrighteous creature what makes you actually think that we give a shit about your piddly assed problem? Oh did I say that out loud? Click – dial tone”

Ok ok after three service calls to the “system” I have finally talked to a lineman and determined that agents of The dreaded Squirellon Empire have sabotaged the lines to my area and water is shorting the system to everyone on the end of the line! They (Verison) have now erected a northface dome tent over the offending area (so the squirrels may now chew the line in comfort) and the engineers are working out the drawings for a more permanent fix. Perhaps they are building a town house around the pole, for the squirrels, with nut dispensers so they may chew at their leisure.

SEND LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY!