I’m Hunting Bwack Behars!

With the advent of the Last episode of Six Feet Under I think a show set here at Sportsmen’s Camp would go a little like this….

Elmer awakes to find a light dusting of snow on the higher elevations and remarks – “These conditions are pefect for bwack behar hunting! The only thing is the wacket coming from Bob Z’s woom! Hey Bob kwit all the snoorwing – you are scarwing all de bwack behars for mywils! Aww forget it – I wiww go out hunting by myself”

And so it goes – hapless Elmer fentures forth into the Bonsai forest seeking “Bwack Behars”. He finds a “Wikewy spot” and stands waiting and listening for his “qwaawwy to appwoach the bait”.

Little does Elmer realise that he has entered the domain of the most fearsome beast in all the North (No its not Janet – ok, ok ,only if you wake her before noon) Its – GODZILLA! (aka godziwwa) Siwentwy the cwafty monster appwoaches the hapwess bwack behar hunta.

Then the unimaginable occurs – Elmer is pwucked from the forwest folwage wike a wipe bwuuu bewwy! And devowerd!

Elmer Fudd
4/2/1942 – 8/31/2005

(Fade to pweeshow cwedits and theme music)

Galore!

It’s happened again – more miraculous events here at Sportsmen’s Camp! Three to be exact. The first occurred a few days ago with the unexplained appearance of god’s thumbprint on the store window! We don’t have any idea how this formed. The only “plausible” explanation is that when god eaves dropped on one of Hogfish Baxter’s many stories related to us during playing darts that god braced himself against the side of our store and left this gigantic thumb print! I hope that the picture does justice to this miracle.

The second miracle appeared the other day after Janet baked an exquisitely juicy blueberry pie. After eating my piece of pie it miraculously appeared from no where – “The visage of the Virgin Mary”! In an effort to avoid thousands of needy Catholics showing up at my door to bask in the glow of the miracle I immediately burned the paper plate after photographing it. End of story – I wasn’t waiting for that skinflint Ratzinger to bid 5,000 Lira on this one.

The third and some would say greatest miracle of all occurred yesterday. The weather was crystalline clear – not a cloud in the sky and totally windless. The lake was a sheet of glass. Janet and I went out fishing. We met some old friends on the lake and got caught up on their doings. They remarked at how they hadn’t caught a pickerel (walleye to the northland impaired) all week and how that once bass are in a lake the pickerel just die out. After talking with them I motored over to a spot we call “Gordon’s Table” put down the anchor and proceeded to catch 15 walleye in the 20-inch +/- size range! The conditions were totally out of sync with the classic walleye feeding conditions of cool breezy and overcast.

So there you have it, more miraculous events here at Sportsmen’s Camp!

Revisited!

Our annual trek to an Unnamed Lake (or the Bataan Deathmarch II) was concluded yesterday. It was a beautiful day and the fact that we weren’t pushing, pulling, kicking, shoving, cursing at, dragging and carrying a 14’ aluminum boat made it a walk in the park – NOT!

The Intrepid Nine sallied forth bright and early. Nearly all of the original crew – so we didn’t have to caution very many people as to the arduous nature of the trek. We saw a bald eagle on the way to the jump off point and trekked into the lake without mishap. Aside from the constant screaming of “Jaaaaack – slowdown – my legs aren’t as long as yours!” and “Jaaaaaack where are you” and “Jaaaaack you want me to walk up there? OH MY GOD – This is ridiculous Jaaaaaack!” and “Awww Jaaaaaack I fell – slow down – Oh My GOD! Jaaaaack” and “When are we gonna get there Jaack” and “How much farther Jaack I’m tired – I can’t believe I came along again on this torture” and “I can’t walk through this shit – slow down Jaaack” and “There’s the Lake I can’t believe I am doing this again!” from Joan on the walk in. Then it was “ooooh OH OH OH there’s one – look at him run” and “Aaaah – look at him jump – Look look look at him run aaaaaaaaaa – oh oh I got’m” and “ Yeah yeah I got’m eeeeeeee he’s running OH MY GOD – shit he’s off!” and “This is sooo much fun eeeee I got another one” from Joan while we were fishing. Read the outline of the comments for the walk in, three times, for her comments on the trek out. Needless to say it was a noisy trip. We had a contingent of nine people this year – three newbies. Among the newbies was Bob Poczik – The Most Pleasant Pike Fisherman in the World – who caught a lot of fish this year. This made him even more pleasant! The other two newbies – Buss and Andy had a great time catching the toothsome leviathans. Andy had a great time aside from admonishing his Dad for losing all their lures! I tried to tell him that the lure manufacturers would be delighted to make more for us and that it was no problem to borrow some from the other trekkers. Andy felt better after catching another pike.

The count as conducted by Hogfish Jim was a grand total of 65 to 70 fish! At an average of say 4+ pounds per fish – that’s +260 lb. plus of fish! The great part was that only one small pike didn’t survive the hook extraction process! This was in great part due to the fact that I was doing all of the fishhook removal and releases whenever fish were caught in the boat. Great fishing and a great fishing crew.

On the trek back we were lucky to see a young pine marten in one of the giant white pines that we passed. He just gazed at us curiously and kept a close eye on a pine squirrel that was distracted by our presence. We also got to see several beavers and a doe and 2 fawns frolicking along the lake bank!

It was a long tiring day but also one of many delights, great fishing and great comraderie! (the 50 tasted great too!) I don’t know about (complaining) Joan, but I wouldn’t miss it for the world

Certainly not The Sacred Shroud – er – cash register tape of Tur – er – Sportsmen’s camp.

Yeah that’s the ticket! The sacred relic was discovered by member of the Knights Templar, mysteriously dangling from the antidazzle flap on the camp chariot. It is rumored that the tape represents the “tab” for the Last Supper – yeah that’s the ticket! It’s the TAB! OK OK – It also shows that Jesus was a really stingy tipper…mmmmm … and St. Peter pulled the old Reverend Bob trick of passing the tab around and having everyone put their portion in (rounded up of course) then just paying the difference when it gets back to you! St. Pete scammed the apostle’s outta 52 shekels! Yeah Shekels that’s the ticket. Then he didn’t even mention to Jesus about the minimum of 20% for parties of more than six – even if the party is six crafty scam artistes! It also shows that Judas paid with Roman currency – JESUS!!!!! (As Pat Cherry would say) You think that might have tipped somebody off about what that shithead was up to! Great stuff Eh????? And yaknow what else the waiter scrawled his address with an indecipherable message to St. Thomas IN GREEK! Yeah IN GREEK – that’s the ticket – mmm – Greek yeah – Hey I ain’t makin’ this stuff up yaknow. After photographing it for the Vatican archives the sacred cash register tape of Turin – damnit er Sportsmen’s Camp was carefully rolled in the opposite direction and put into a film canister filled with nitrogen gas and sealed with pike mucous.

We have several inquiries from the Vatican to purchase the Shro – er- Tape but, Ratzinger is notoriously TIGHT! It must run in the family so to speak. If we don’t get at least 20$ Canadian from them by next Wednesday we’re gonna put it on E-Bay. The dirt contained on this “rag” (schmutski) will blow the lid off of all of Christendom!