Now on Tour!

Its Saturday and the “big turnover” is occurring – all the cabins are being vacated and reoccupied. The cleaning crew of Jasha Chinski and Schmutskis are diligently cleaning the cabins. I am minding the store and preparing to collect the garbage and trundle it off to the dump when “The Schmutskis” return. So I while away the time typing drivel and downloading it to the web for all to enjoy. I am enjoying my last cigar that the Good Rev. Bob gave me – a fake montecristo – In a cheesy little box that reads “In recognition and celebration of the historic republican victories on November 2, 2004.” I sit here wondering what to do with such an ABOMINATION. But wait, I see (G)Izmo has taken matters into his own hands. How apropos!

I just saw a picture of Carl Rove on CNN and it has become completely apparent to me that Carl Rove and Chucky (the evil homicidal doll) are one and the same! I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner its sooooo obvious! Not only are Chucky and Rove identical looking but they’re both EVIL too! How did I miss this earlier? I guess I must not be drinking enough.

Sayonara Sportsmen’s Camp?

Gojira (Godzilla to the uninitiated) has emerged from the infinite muskeg of the boreal north after Canada held a whimsical notion of perhaps maybe considering the remote possibility of the outside odds at thinking about a Nuclear test. Gojira is very sensitive to that sort of thing these days since there’s not too much nuclear stuff going on yaknow! The lack of nuclear testing has caused some other changes – Godzilla is now only four and a half inches tall! So I guess the coming rampage of the marauding monster will have limited impact.

But wait – Oh NOOOOOOO! I see smoke rising from my bonsai mountain range! The astute lil’ devil is ravaging my bonsai collection Damnit! “JAAAAnet – where’s the fly swatter? Godzilla is in the bonsai again!” – “No, I can’t use the broom again, the lil’ shit caught it on fire last time – where’s the FLY SWATTER?” – “OK, I’ll get a new one out of the store. Yaknow we won’t be able to sell it if the lil’ monster scorches it!” – “OK, OK, I’ll soak it in the laundry sink before I whack ‘em.” – “Hey wait, Janet I won’t need the swatter Dweezil has him by the neck and is taking him into the weeds. Gee, the Japanese are really gonna be Pissed off if Dweezil kills and eats Godzilla!” – “OK OK, I’m getting my sandals on, I’ll go whack Dwee with the fly swatter till she drops him.” (Short time elapses) “Yeah I got Dwee off him, But the lil’ shit scorched the hair off my ankle! Dwee was mighty pissed off too!”

Sportsmen’s camp is safe for yet another day! “Hey Janet, who are those little girls singing to that big Luna Moth?”

Cat food EMERGENCY on aisle 10!

Woop woop woop! The Catfood Emergency Response Team (CERT) snapped to high alert when the crash of the catfood container was heard hitting the floor. It doesn’t matter, day or night, inclement weather or not they are ready to avert CATFOOD DISASTER! The crack team of Carmen Miranda and her faithful sidekick Babaloo sprang into action, calling in cleanup help from Haz-Mat specialists Rudy and Kirby for detail catfood removal from the nooks, crannies, and hard to reach areas. Yet another pitfall was revealed though – when it was discovered that the catfood in question was a nonpalatable variety! Specialist Rudy and Kirby immediately walked off the job site! Oh the humanity! Gabby the cat (owner of the unfortunate catfood container) was distraught and had to be consoled by CERT member agent Miranda whilst the area was cordoned off by agent Babaloo. Rugs were taken up, the broom was pressed into action and everyone held their breath – as a favorable outcome was still teetering in the balance! Then the worst possible scenario hit! Sled -er- I mean Babaloo and agent Miranda began bickering as to whether the catfood particles should be pointed at during the vacuuming process. Babaloo maintaining that the pointing process was an irritant to the perceived goal of “Trip C” (Complete Catfood Cleanup – These swat teams are very big on their acronymal jargon yaknow!) and that it should only occur when the job was nearly complete. Agent Miranda then stood by observing and waiting the call of nearly complete to restart the pointing process. In due time the dreaded catfood was removed and the world was again safe for mere mortals. Another exciting day at Sportsmen’s Camp!

By the way they tie-up their boat!

Life can be distilled to one question – How do you tie up your boat? In the sixties it was “What floats your boat?” but in the GOP/christian right hegemony it has come to “How do you tie up your boat?” I just got back from the semidaily camp ritual of The Swimming of the Mice down at the docks. No this isn’t Pamplona and no I haven’t been gored or nibbled. Mice caught in the live traps in the store are taken to the end of the dock and are “introduced” to the water, wherein they swim for shore. Certain death? Definitely not! The latest odds are 1 Ate/5 Madeit! Today’s entrant Madeit. While I am out on the dock I check the lake temperature and make sure my boat and Janet’s boat are tied and riding properly. I also look over the other boats on the dock. Its very bad if a boat breaks loose during a northerly and bashes the shit out of the boat(s) behind it.

Over my tenure here at camp I have seen how everyone ties they’re boats. It ranges from The Dan Neenan – haphazardly wrap (No troublesome knot please) the bow line around a vacant post and abandon quickly before it floats away or bashes against another boat method, to The Lyle Beckett – tie the bow and stern with brand new stout synthetic lines snubbed off to the proper length and add your own bumpers next to the boat to prevent any incidental boat rubbing method. Most of the remaining tie up methods fall between those two extremes.

This morning I observed the Rev. Bob’s boat “tied” (I use the term loosely) at the dock. He being related to the Neenans favors a lax interpretation of the Dan Neenan methodology. The thought process goes like this – hmmm The boat just hit the dock – yeah, there it hit again – get out, yeah good, didn’t fall in – hmmm boat floating away – yeah mmm must tie boat – get rope in front wrap and tie around post at end of line – hmmm boat still floating away???! No its just the back – must tie back – grab end of rope wrap and tie to post – final step: abandon boat. Process complete. OK what’s wrong with this picture? There is a sizable length of slack line so the wind can move the boat all along the dock bashing and pushing and sloughing around. Yes the most basic specification of boat mooring was satisfied – the bow and stern lines were tied to the dock – but the performance specification of – so that the boat rides safely within its space – was totally ignored. So I retied the boat to the proper rings and at the proper length.. SEE – the good Rev had Faith – and everything was taken care of. But in this case I think it’s more akin to Alfred E. Newman’s philosophy of “What Me Worry”.

So, dear reader, as you navigate your way through life remember to tie your boat safely and securely, there won’t always be someone WHO GIVES A SHIT to redo it for you.

ENGAGE!

My boat is in the water – elephant rock at warp 9 is just minutes from camp now! I went fishing for about 2 hours while Janet cut grass yesterday and caught a SHIT LOAD of bass! I caught three on my fly rod (Mickey Finn streamer) and a plethora of them on (yes you guessed it!) a #3 mepps silver. Of the 2 dozen or so bass caught 3 were wompers over 18”. What delightful fun! After Janet was done with the grass she wanted to go for a ride in the boat and see how the fish were biting. She brought only her rod and one lure – I don’t have to spell it out do I? I took her to a location where I was doing well and she caught more than 6 fish in 15 min.s and one was over 16”. She lost a monster on the jump! Fun fun fun! It was curious though I didn’t catch a pike all day!

It rained last night, we definitely need the moisture – and besides with as shitty as the fishing has been I can only pray that the change will encourage the fish to bite!

Is this heaven? No, its just a 1930’s vintage cedar strip boat with two 15 hp Evinrudes on it, moving in hurried dignity across a glass-smooth lake just chocked full of fish that want to bite my mepps.

Chartreuse tube JIG

Yes, I am back home in the bosom of the boreal north. The early displacement of the year continues – we are in mid July according to the calendar yet the lake conditions are mid to late August! It appears that the bane of all Firth lake fishermen – the may fly hatch – is done. Janet observed a massive simultaneous hatch of three different species! After fishing two nights I have observed only 3 – count ‘em three – mayflies on the lake. The weed beds are up and well developed and the shoals of minnows are exactly where they ought to be – if it were August. But who am I to complain August and early September fishing is the best! I just hope this pattern goes on hold. That way we’ll have a prolonged period of excellent fishing not cold weather coming in about 3 weeks. I caught several nice bass on a Mickey Finn streamer last evening and many bass on the #3 mepps and green torpedo. Janet did very well with her – Da da da da da Ta da! – sputtering chug bug too! The lake was like glass for the better part of the evening and sight fishing the dimples was exquisite! There are some wild flowers in bloom up near the elephant rock area so the air was delicious. My nose doesn’t recognize them and they aren’t readily apparent from a boat on the lake and the fishing is too good for me to investigate – so the species will remain a mystery. Unless some enterprising soul intent on winning a Sportsmen’s Camp sweatshirt can ID said odiferous flowers.

News Flash for Sled – Janet’s boat is now your favorite boat – I installed cup holders. Think of it, no more beer spilled by clumsy polish women! (I kept telling Sled that if he didn’t go fishing with those clumsy polish women he wouldn’t have to take so much extra beer!) All you have to do is train them to put the beer in the holder. And then pass it to you whenever you get parched.

My boat is going in the water today. I can’t wait to fire up the twin 15 hp Evinrudes and hear their haunting duet! This will also free up space in the shop for the construction of the next wooden boat. I have several innovations planned for my latest construct and among them are built in beer holders at every seat! Gee when it’s consistently in the 90’sF and the fishing is good I seem to get fixated on drinking ale and fishing. Hmmm coincidence? I think NOT! Now all I have to do is figure a way to stop all these pesky customers from coming here every summer – Janet says I am already working on that well – BUT I WANNA SEE FUCKING RESULTS!

THE LAKE TEMPERATURE IS 89 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. As far as I can tell from our lake temperature charts, that is the warmest we have ever measured. Most of the guest are spending hours just standing,sitting,floating in the lake. The air temperature for the last two days has hit 100 and higher. Did I mention that this is NORTHERN ONTARIO. Rumor has it that it is hotter in Timmins and, no, Shania Twain is not there raising men’s temperatures therefore causing a heat wave.

No relief is in sight. There is a cold front coming through on Thursday: It is forecasted to be only 27 degrees Celsius or 81 Fahrenheit. Yippeee. But then back into the 90’s for the weekend. That will make Jack happy. He is due back Friday.

Fishing report: They are hot, too. Most of us are not catching much. I have been told that someone from Northern Pine Camp caught many bass on leaches in the big weed bed. Ken Slocum caught two 18” bass (both released) and nine 15” bass (all but two released) on a black and gold jointed rapala at Red Jug today in the middle of the sweltering hot afternoon.

My friends Pat and Carol and Kraut cleaned up all the dead mayflies from the beach this evening. Now that is a True North Experience. The mayflies are still hatching but not as prolific as a couple days ago.

I spent the afternoon in the hottest spot north of Havana. No, Judy, not the Copacobana, but New Liskeard. Ontario. It was 36 C. or 97 F. at 4 PM. The rest of Ontario was 30 C. or below, but not New Liskeard. As soon as I got back I went for a swim in 76 degree Firth Lake. Ah, that felt good. Because as everyone knows after spending a day shopping in New Liskeard, you feel like you worked at McDonalds next to the french fryer all day.

The Jachymeks fished Serpentine today and caught two whitefish trolling with #4 gold mepps. They also caught lots of big bass. Joe and Kevin Lis spent the day on Elkhorn and caught a boatload of bass. The fish are biting, the fish are biting!

We are being invaded! If you stand near the shore of the lake in the evening and look up there are THOUSANDS of mayflies. This is not an exaggeration. (I was tempted to say millions because that is how it appears.) I have never seen the likes of it. Gratefully, it hasn’t stopped the fish from biting even though the fish that are being filleted are full of mayflies. The hatches have been occurring the last three nights.

Chester caught an 8 pound pike in Firth on Saturday. Pat Cherry caught a 22 inch walleye last night. And everyone is catching plenty of bass. I went fishing Saturday night and caught three 14” bass on my first three casts at “Jannie’s secret spot”. (I can’t tell you-it’s a SECRET.) Life is good here at Sportsmen’s Camp.

The water temperature is holding in the 70’s all week. I caught my first fish on the surface last Tuesday when the water temp was 76. Cool beans

Jack is “working” in Pennsylvania for the next two weeks. I am in charge. Scary, eh?